Gooners gutted at ‘Messi and Ronaldo £400million double swoop’

Struggling to come to terms with what I’ve just read. Picked up a copy of the Daily Stir this morning and they have a blockbuster of a story on their front and back pages concerning our so-called rivals…I am lost for words. First we learn Carlos Tevez has practically signed for them and now this. Easiest thing to do is reproduce it here for your delectation…

WORLD EXCLUSIVE by GLEN HACK

Harry Redknapp last night refused to deny that Tottenham were on the brink of pulling off a sensational DOUBLE transfer swoop for Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi.

Redknapp, manager of the best football club in the world according to the majority of pundits and the good folk of football generally, has already, nearly, honest, signed wantaway Manchester City scar (star, surely – Ed) Carlos Tevez – and let us not forget they already have world player of the year Scott E. Parker – but he isn’t stopping there. Oh no.

He is said to be keen to bring the global superstars to the White No-Hart Lane club to give their bid for global domination a boost. Redknapp, 42, has steered the Cockerels to the glory after glory and they are now, albeit unofficially, the best supported and wealthiest club on earth – and, some say, even in space, too.

To add to the Lillywhites’ amazing success, chairman Verne Troyer – sorry, Daniel Levy – has sanctioned the £400million transfer coup and now it remains for Redknapp to seal the deal for the pair from Tottenham feeder clubs Barca and Real Madrid.

He told Arsenalinsider: “For sure both the lads are quality, there is no escaping that and I refuse to rule out a sensational double swoop for them. Simply refuse, you know. We’re not looking to bring in medicore players to the club, for sure. Both the lads are good lads, you know, exceptional players and they’d get into any team, esepcially mine.

“We’ll probably win the Premier League, FA Cup Carling Cup, Watney Cup, Europa Leage and the Champions League this year even if we don’t get these, what I call, special players, for sure, you know, and I would expect the Nobel peace prize any time soon as well.

“Troy, sorry, Daniel knows the calibre of player I want and, for sure, he has the funding. Yes, we have to go cap in hand to local government for public funding for our new ground and yes, we’ve never won the Premier League, and admittedly, we are located in one of the worst areas of London but other than that, I can’t see any reason why both Crissy baby and Leo wouldn’t want to come to Tottenham, you know,” added Redknapp, who refuted claims he was a dealer-wheeler-dealer.

Now that Tottenham have practically signed the three best players in the world and already have Scott T. Parker, some fans of London rivals Chelsea are ditching their allegiance. “I was Chelsea and then Man City for a while but now I am Tottenham through and through and even know the words to that song by Dave and Chas which has the voice of General Belgrano or someone on it. It’s hilarious, I tell ya,” said Sam Plankton, 33.

A tearful Arsenal fan – who refsued to be named – we caught up with in the Bank of Friendship said: “First off, I refuse to be named. I heard the statues are already being erected. It’s tragic news. Let’s just admit it, they are a much, much bigger club that us. Now if you’ll pardon me I have got to to see who we’ve got in the Champions League draw.”

In other news, reports of bogus sports stories doing the rounds continue but sources say the one about Ricky Villa’s equine felatio festish is false.

CARL ELDRIDGE – Laughing at those who deserve it on Twitter @eldomedia