‘Race row’ at Arsenal is a complete hoax, Arsene

Not sure if you’ve seen this news story from the Daily Stir today - it’s one that didn’t sit too well with me, given what has been going on with John Terry of Chelsea and L. Suarez, residing in the parish of Liverpool. Anyway, I have cut and paste it here for you to peruse. Very disturbing reading but it proves that so-called race rows are once again staining the Beautiful Game – and this time at our beloved Arsenal. Founder David Danskin must be turning in his grave…

EXCLUSIVE by GARY HACK (Tongue-firmly-in-cheek correspondent)

ARSENE Wenger was last night battling to save the careers of a crop of his Arsenal superstars after the FA threatened to hit them with life bans following the latest race row to rock football.

Gunners aces Theo Walcott, Robin Van Persie and Per Mertsesacker are said to have been caught up in the unedifying feud following training ground high jinks ahead of the Christmas games against Wolves and QPR.

The simmering bust-up couldn’t have come at a worse time for football with Chelsea and England skipper John Terry facing police prosecution after an alleged racist remark to QPR defender Anton Ferdinand, as well as Liverpool’s Uruguayan striker Luis Suarez’s eight-match ban after he insulted Manchester United’s Patrice Evra.

Details of the heated exchange emerged when Arsenal coach Pat Rice swapped hilarities with Wenger on their Twitter feeds. Stalwart Rice using the mantle, @PatriceNotThatOneTheAFCone, tweeted: “Hey Arsene my old mucker, what a great bit of fun that waas today at training with the lads.”

AW, using @ArseneNose, responded: “Overall, I liked the fact that even when they had finished that sprint race, they were so competitive that they even argued. Ho to the ho, mofo.”

Rice quipped: “S’pose you could call it a race row, boss – tee hee. See you in the Red Lion later.”

It was that remark from Rice which alerted the FA, whose Special Investigations Unit monitor, as a matter of course, all social networking sites on which football types converse. Spokesperson Frank Ensense said: “Football must get to grips with this worrying trend. We are aware of the race row at Arsenal and we will take appropriate action. Investigations continue – apart from when we slip over to the pub for a livener – and we pledge here and now boy scouts honour and everything crossed, hic, that we will get to the bottom of this and flush out the hate-filled protagonists.

“Players who are found guilty of involvement should be aware that we will consider life bans as punishment.”

Wenger was quick to issue an official comment on the clash. He said: “I am battling to save the careers of a crop of my Arsenal superstars. Also, on an unrelated matter, anyone else think that I should give more game time to Alex Ox?”

An Arsenal source, upon receipt of four cans of Stella and a packet of Bensons, revealed: “Stella? Did they not have any Kroney, then? Oh well. Yes, I heard that Theo, RVP and Per had a race after training with a view to see which of them was most fleet of foot.

“It seems that there was a mild-mannered dispute over who won. Per, although considered by many as a lumbering, diving-booted carthorse, thought he had just edged it, while Theo – who despite his failings is at least good at running – was convinced he took the honours. RVP seemed disinterested and was last seen jogging off into the distance singing, “I score when I want…”

STOP GAP: News just in – the FA have dropped the probe into the ‘row’ branding it a sick hoax propagated by an evil-minded sicko on benefits.

CARL ELDRIDGE – on Twitter @eldomedia