What I am about to reveal has long been suspected by those in the know. The existence of Aliens and their flying craft, otherwise known as Unidentified Flying objects or UFO, has been strenuously denied by HM Government until now. But why now, with the financial markets in utter panic over the sub prime fiasco, the loss of trillions of US dollars in trying to support a Wall Street riddled by greed and Banks on the precipice of destruction, the Government released classified documents from the National Archive confirming the sightings of UFOs.
Well two events have forced the hand of this government. These events have made clear to ordinary human beings like you or I, that the proof of Alien life can no longer be denied. In fact the Roman Catholic Church was moved to put out a statement yesterday which read…
“The holiness of humanity is not in doubt, the fact that non human life has made it’s presence known in North London means only that God wants you to know. Please understand that this does not change anything, you still owe him for crucifying his son two thousand years ago, so… there will still be no direct bus route to Neasden”
The National Archive of the Government holds very top secret papers. They go into major detail about the first sightings.
A document which I can certify as genuine is reproduced here for your information.
REPORT OF UFO SIGHTING.
Date and Duration of Sighting : May 29th 1974, 90 minutes approx
Description of Object/s : Strange life forms half blue half white, running around aimlessly
Exact position of object and observer: The life forms were 80 yards away from where I was seated in the Feyenoord Football stadium.
Movements and angle of sight of UFOs: The life forms showed chaotic movement which made no sense, they seemed to be chasing their leader which had the appearance of a pig’s bladder.
Other witnesses?: Some 59,000 other witness, just could’nt believe their eyes.
Remarks: This was a very frightening experience, these forms looked liked life, but just not life as we know it. These objects have no heads, and all answer to the name of Bill. What civilisation could have founded such a unique species? They looked for all the world like Chickens… yes, chickens but headless.
(Inside this dossier from the National Archive was a monchrome photo, thought to be the first official capture of the beings close up. This picture below was the last image of their true form before they captured vagrants and Eskimos and took over their bodies but in the process they had to remove the brains from the heads.)
A MEMBER OF THE HEADLESS CHICKEN FRATERNITY (THCF) LEAVING FEYENOORD STADIUM.
Such a report was bound to create mass panic and indeed many thousands of the people who went to worship these headless chickens, rioted in the streets of Rotterdam. They called themselves The Headless Chicken Fraternity or THCF. Soon the Army was mobilised in an attempt to counter this grave threat to the planet earth, but then all trace of this strange life form disappeared.
Reports were sketchy and difficult to piece together, but it now seems that the next sighting was made in 2006, the group had reorganised and sought refuge in a large open space in North London. Here at White Hart Lane, the only clue to their existence was the unsubtle way that they had changed their names from The Headless Chicken Fraternity (THCF) to Tottenham Hotspur Football Club (THFC), in order that sympathisers and fund raisers would not accuse them of having betrayed their wishbones, they adopted a chicken emblem
For ordinary observers, it was difficult to spot these aliens, so good was their disguise. However having to evolve without heads had given them extraordinary powers of telepathy. In order to communicate however, both hands had to create a biological contact with the exposed neurological synapses situated just in front of their false ears on their dummy heads. It was only on going back to the Archives that MoD revealed the secret photographs that identified the Aliens communicating
Here is their leader Dan Levelly deep in conversation…”Bentley you jerk, where are you?”
Believe it or not he was communicating with one of his clan that happened to be the most stupid of the new mutations. These mutations were only recognised by the silly hairstyles and the odd open gesture of communicating.
“Der Boss, I can hear you Boss… Der Boss? Can I come home now?”
This particular alien’s sense of direction was such that when the Homing beacon was activated to colonise the Hive at White Hart Lane in 2001, this stupid alien ended up at a place called Highbury. It took 4 years for this dense alien to navigate his way out of Islington, and instead of travelling up the Seven Sisters Road, this thick excuse for a decapitated life form took a right turn and ended up on the M6 finally finishing in a place in the North West called Ewood Park. Soon afterwards using his false name David Bentley, he almost gave away the entire colony by exhibiting his very poor dancing skills.
“I’m a chicken, I’m a chicken, but you’d never guess how…”
It was in 2007 that the colony decided to call back all of it distant mutants to the hive prior to mounting an invasion of this planet. A rather advanced member of the Colony called Jan Ramos responded to the call. He had evolved to such an advanced stage that he found it no longer necessary to bridge the synaptic contacts and found that he was able to levitate objects…
“You are just a simple ball, under my control… I shall call you- Comolli! “
The leader Mr Levelly decided that Ramos’s powers should be harnessed and passed onto the rest of the colony by some means or other. He decided that they should takeover the resident football team in this stadium. Mr Daniel Levelly concluded that no-one would suspect the changeover as this team had the same poor dancing skills as these aliens. Despite the support of other aliens well placed in the human society on BBC Radio and TV, the plan fell fowl of two evolved weaknesses. The first being the intense muscle spasm that would cause instant emptying of the entire bowel contents after eating any form of pasta which was poisonous to their species, this would lead to extreme weakness and vomiting. The other being a very short memory span of 3.5 milliseconds. So the Aliens regrouped at White Hart Lane safe in the knowledge that no Italians would ever pay to see them, and so they would never come into contact with the dreaded PASTA.
The MoD refused to confirm that it was tipped off to the presence of this colony following a football game against West Ham United, where unknown to the alien colonisers who usually prepared their own meals of pickled dog excrement with garlic, they were forced to eat in public. Unbeknown to them the poisonous pasta was disguised under layers of carbonara cheese and tomato sauce, together with minced beef gravy.
“Police testing lasagne as Spurs insist stars were nobbled for vital match”
EXPERTS called in by police are testing lasagne that furious Tottenham Hotspur bosses fear was deliberately poisoned to cripple their players before a vital match. Spurs were forced to play against rivals West Ham United after 10 first team stars had been struck down with sickness and diarrhoea. Manager Martin Jol said some were still vomiting in the dressing room minutes before kick-off.
The players fell ill after eating a team buffet at the Marriott hotel in Canary Wharf, East London, not far from West Ham’s Upton Park stadium. Last night a Spurs source said: “We don’t know for sure what it is but at the moment lasagne is the prime suspect.”
The MoD dispatched it’s top special agents to White Hart Lane and began surveillance. However it was only a matter of time before the THFC colony again made it’s presence known by virtue of it’s short memory span. The footballers were unable to communicate in their normal telepathic manner of connecting the synapses situated on their temples when on the pitch. Instead they tried to use morse code with the football. However having such a short memory span lead them to completely forget what the object of kicking the football was and they have proceeded to draw further attention to themselves by accumulating only 2 points in eight games.
It was this risk of further public disorder as humans all over the UK would start to realise that they had Aliens in their midst, that prompted the MoD to break its silence of several decades in order to try and deflect attention away from the fools at White Hart Lane. But Fabregas the King saw through this plan. A spokeman for THFC was not available for comment despite sitting opposite Arsenal Insider’s roving reporter Fabregas the King for thirty minutes in the Tottenham team Citroen, in a later written statement, the Club confirmed that it’s spokesman had remained tight lipped, and that “his hands were tied” In fact they had all tried to evolve three hundred years of non synaptic touch communication in 25 minutes, they apologised for this overhyped expectation. But no doubt people would remain patient whilst they tried to get it right.
I smiled and realised that there was now a third way of identifying other members of the colony. “Extreme exaggeration of their own potential”. Of course, this made sense! I cast my mind back to every false dawn that was THFC. What else could have explained their statements that they would finish in the top four of British football despite wearing two left footed football boots, and after having beaten the Italian Serie A side Roma in pre-season they claimed that they would go on to win the Champions league despite having not even been entered for the competition! How could I have been so stupid not to spot those clues.
I have since telephoned the MoD and informed them of my new research findings. I have been reassured that these Aliens do not pose an immediate threat to human kind, and when ever possible one should approach them with caution, or better still ignore them all together. I was advised to stay upwind of them as they secreted a horrid body odour of decaying faeces. My only concern is that these very same Aliens are due to come to the Emirates in just under a week’s time. It will be interesting to see their attempts at further concealment. Remember to bring nose clips, for any Gooners who are seated down wind of the away supporters section will find that the smell is quite nauseating.
*Video* A German Spurs fan reacts to defeat by Stoke here on GoonerTube – PLEASE NOTE PARENTAL ADVISORY
The David Bentley Song
Poor old David Bentley… Oh how must he feel,
To have, left The Great Arsenal for a…
Shit football teaaaaaammmmmm!
The New anti-Tottenham Song.(to Oh When the Saints- by Gooner Adam Stearman)
Oh yes the SCUM… (Oh yes the scum!)
Are going down…(are going down!)
The F*cking SCUM are going down!
I wanna be right there laughing – hahahaha!
When the SCUM go f*cking down!
by Fabregas The King, Special Correspondent reporting from a reinforced bunker at the Emirates Stadium in the middle of the Annual AGM… I shall be back much later!!!.