Arsenal relief as curse of Lauren's pinched Rolex is lifted

For six long years it has irked me. Long days and longer nights pondering just what had happened that fateful day and would the mystery every be solved. I am not afraid to admit it left me discombobulated at every turn. No longer, though. The news is out. The children can smile again.
For we are told that our former hero Lauren (Ralph) has been reunited with his £6,000 Rolex watch stolen in a burglary during his time at Highbury. Oh the relief, eh, Arsene?  And it gives us a chance to publish the snap of Lauren demonstrating his negotiating skills during a game against United – apologies for the rat being in the image as well.
For the record, we have been treated to an inspirational piece of wisdom from the Met’s DS Richard Grove, who said: “We are delighted to be able to reunite Lauren with his watch.” Hour upon hour to write that one, guv.
Six years without a trophy? Six years without the watch? It’s a sign I tell ya…a sign. The curse has been lifted.
Anyway enough hogwash and bunkum for one day, to the matters in hand. No doubt you have read that Jack is a target for Real Madrid. Oh, really? Course he is – he is a target for any club but that doesn’t mean he is doing one. Why, only recently he said he was a Gooner for life. Real Madrid indeed!
Talking of Jack, Liam Brady has just been on the radio singing his praises and wishing him speed in his recovery from injury. He said: “We all want to see him back quickly. I think the Arsenal team badly need him back, it’s going to be a better team with Jack in it.
“As he gets older, he’s going to take over the mantle as the main man in the middle of the park, both for Arsenal and England, and we could do with getting him back as quickly as possible. He’s a talent everyone is missing at the moment.
“Jack has so much self-belief, he wants to get better at his craft and he’s going to work hard to make himself the best player he possibly can. I think that’s the exciting thing about him, he’s not going to rest on his laurels and get carried away with the fact he’s earning a lot of money, he’s going to get better and better.”
No, no, no. The biggest story of the day is that British Olympian and massive Arsenal fan Kelly Sotherton has renamed her cat after the departure of one of her fave players. And she has had to put up with Twitter trolls hounding her for her support of the rip-roaring Reds. Witness this from the Guardian:
Sotherton is still hounded by some venomous detractors. “I’m Marmite,” she says. “You love me or you hate me. But at least respect me as I am honest. I’m a massive Twitter fan but I’m always being slated for being Arsenal crazy. Recently I’ve been called a Hasbeen Gooner Slut. That’s not called for. I might be a Hasbeen – but at least I’ve been there. And I’m a Gooner. But the slut is ridiculous. This guy doesn’t even know me. I had a right go back at him. Fortunately, there are lots of us intelligent Gooners around.”
Her cat Kolo, meanwhile, has had a subtle name change. “Kolo Touré? Man City? Drug cheat? She’s Kolo Lolo these days.”

Have something to tell us about this article?
Let us know