Explaining Arsenal With Michael Scott

With Arsenal not playing this weekend, I decided to browse through my DVD collection for an alternate form of entertainment. It’s a pretty thin library so I went with the easy option and turned to The (American) Office, to help fill the void and lighten the mood.
Michael Scott is the shows socially awkward star and irritating boss. The lovable loser thinks himself a little bit of a philosopher, and in one episode I was watching, he came out with this nugget:  “You just have to accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.”
Immediately I thought of Arsenal. Over the last three years, the Gunners have definitely been the concrete shitting effigy more than the pigeon. After the Chelsea defeat my heart was just about as heavy as concrete too.
Anyway, it turns out that the ‘world’s best boss’ had more to say about Arsenal. In another episode my attention turned once more to the club when he quipped: “Avoid employing unlucky people – throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.”
Being unlucky isn’t the reason for Arsenal languishing just below the summit in the league this year. Looking back though, I do wonder how things would have turned out if Robin Van Persie could have sustained a full season. Manchester United and Chelsea have both had the fortune of consistently fit prominent forwards. Wayne Rooney (21 goals) and Didier Drogba (17) have hit top form this season and it’s no surprise they sit first and second in the scoring chart.
Ifs and buts, of course, are pointless. Still, with little else in the football world really capturing my imagination this weekend, I began picturing this season with a fully fit RVP. In it, the Dutchman nutmegged John Terry before pulling his shorts down, and scored a hat-trick against Manchester United which left Darren Fletcher crying into the breast of an ashen-faced Alex Ferguson.
I was tempted to see if Scott was actually some sort of secret American footballing expert/ hidden guru to all of Arsenal’s problems. Surfing the web for some quotes, it turns out that he is. “If at first you don’t succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried,” he said.
Wenger has some serious thinking to do in the summer on the players who have been less than average for Arsenal this season. Being blunt, I speak about Manuel Almunia and Denilson. OK, let’s be careful not to pin blame solely on the couple, and anyway, Arsenal’s season is still bright enough for them to prove their value. Besides, showing them the exit isn’t the answer.
Arsenal have become a selling club in recent years and for it’s future success, the right people must try hard to stop this trend which saw Mathieu Flamini and Alexender Hleb leave prematurely. Having said that, there is deadwood in the team, who either need dropping or reminding of their competition. I get the feeling this is already the case for Denilson.
Scott said: “What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why? Cos then in winter time he’s got something to eat and he won’t die. So, collecting nuts in the summer is worthwhile work. Think squirrels. Think nuts.”
Think January signings! Wenger didn’t buy the striker the fans were crying out for. The problem always seems to be about the money. Why does the signing always have to be a mega-star multi-million pound goal machine? Many mid-season captures are the type to keep the squad fresh. Also, they usually contribute rather than single handily win the whole thing.
In the summer Wenger did bolster the squad with Thomas Vermaelen and everybody was generally happy with the shape. Unlike the squirrel though, Arsenal don’t have many nuts, a source of energy that can keep the goals flowing until the season is over.
Well done Scott, you’ve managed to bring my whole weekend to a sad low just when I was smiling again after the victory over Liverpool. Your points are noted, but I wont let them grind me down. At the moment Arsenal are the pigeon, Cesc Fabregas’ curriculum vitae says professional football player at AFC (not Barcelona) and Nicklas Bendtner is back in action, so sod your nuts.

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