FTK Blog: Sepp Blatter, the truth is more bizarre than fiction

Football’s most powerful man, Sepp Blatter, stands for re-election as Fifa president in 2011 not only is he accused of being the most corrupt man in sport and of having sold football’s soul, but no Fifa-watcher can be in any doubt that Blatter is unfit to govern. But the problem is not so much with the man as with the governing culture he represents.

 

Ok this statement has been doctored since it first appeared in 2002 in the Observer but it is as relevant now as it was then. Sepp Blatter’s grip on the leadership of world football is as secure as it seems weak. In an abrupt u-turn the international FA committee will debate the topic later this year with a final decision in March 2011.

 

What are we to make of Blatter? Is this a sincere change of policy or a cynical grab for power now that the world’s gaze has shown the injustice of his former position. Blatter’s apology smacks more of a realisation that the vultures are circling and his FIFA Presidential days could be numbered.

Ahhh… Let us look into the great mind of the FIFA President and see what the future has in store for us. With Blatter’s FIFA’s policies on taking Football to places you had never even dreamt of, it could mean that 2014 in Brazil will host the likes of Nauru, a pacific island that boasts a population of 13,000 and is 8.5miles square with 1 astroturf pitch called the linkbelt oval and the President’s back garden as the main stadiums.

There is no national anthem and the seven teams in the only Football League seemed thrilled at the prospect of trying out their Austrialian rules football on such great stage. After the wonderful performance of New Zealand and North Korea, FIFA could even decide that countries like Italy and Russia should make way for the Republic of Kyrgyzstan and Nauru to become the latest disciples to the cause. This is how Blatter clings to power despite being the most unpopular holder of the Presidency in FIFA history. 

Sepp Blatter, who previously had been accused erroneously on this blog as suffering from mad cow disease, has taken time off from his busy schedule in South Africa in search of votes for his campaign to be re-elected as FIFA President in 2011, he went to open a new Hair Salon in down town Soweto, and speaking with emotion and claiming that the African nation were not far from his own Austrian root, Sepp Blatter urged the world to embrace the fact that 855 of its 300,000 participants actually do earn less than £100,000 a week, so his brief was to bring all inclusivity to the game.

 

“This is the only is the way to bring the game to the masses.”

Sepp is a visionary, and his plans to end the debate over goal line technology is as simple as it is brilliant. He believes that because of global warming, the need to conserve energy is paramount, so FIFA will sponsor the introduction of clockwork radios to provide the coverage. Sepp Blatter will secure his re-election by his statements after this 2010 World Cup

 

“We want to keep football as a game of the people with a human face, so we don’t want technology on the field of play because we want to maintain the spontaneity of football — played, administered and controlled by human beings,”

 

So no more TV replays or televised matches, which means no more embarrassment for the FIFA officials. Sepp Blatter knows the way forward and intends to lead us with passion. He apologised about the disallowed Lampard goal, and in his closing statements he remarked about the bold move to remove football from tv screens,

 

“This will be the biggest wind up, the world has ever seen”

England’s team for 2014 will be picked almost exclusively from Arsenal ’s  squad as there are no more english players left in the Premier League, causing our iconic manager to reply

 

 “ I believe in these players, they have the mental strength that will allow them to represent their country better than  tossers like Aaron Lennon and Ashley Cole from the last competition”

Well he didn’t actually use those words, but you get the drift? The England Team for 2014 consists of Joe Hart (keeper) a back four of , Craig Eastmond, Luke Ayling, Kyle Bartley and Keiran Gibbs, Midfielders  Jack Rodwell, , Jay Emmanuel-Thomas, Jack Wilshere and Adam Johnson with Theo Walcott and Frazier Campbell as the striking duo. The move of Craig Eastmond to his former right back position was greeted by much anticipation in North London. fact or fiction? only the future will tell.

Another innovation by Blatter will be that the ball that will be used on the South American Continent will no longer be made by Adidas, but by the renown Taiwanese beach ball makers Akiso, their revolutionary striped design means that when the ball is struck with the inside of the right foot, it performs a triple salchow followed by two twists and a single axel finally ending up in the net with a score of 5.9. The ball will contain the unique bell device which will be used when playing the blind team of soccer stars from Penang,  Malaysia. Also, hot on the heels of his statement about one piece nubile female football kits, the referees will be for the first time in FIFA history all female. So there will not be any dissent from the players, as they are likely to get  a yellow card followed by a swift karate snap kick to the testicles.

So we can all sleep soundly on the football terraces, safe in the knowledge that the future of Football has been secured by FIFA and Sepp Blatter, what ever would we have done without them? It seems that no-one will ever be able to remove Sepp Blatter before he decides himself to go. The introduction of video technology to our beautiful game is long overdue, but this latest move by FIFA is merely a stalling tactic in my view. What are your thoughts?

FTK

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